Living Jenn

A LIFESTYLE BLOG ABOUT MARRIAGE, INFERTILITY, AND LIFE

What’s Been Going

Weekly Update

Jennifer and Kevin:
We are moving! We have been vagabonds moving all over the valley for the past four years to see where we would like our forever home to be and we finally decided on it. Ideally, we would love to move closer to my family for many reasons the foremost being close to family. Still, it’s far from the station, and Kevin’s drive time would increase exponentially. We are praying for direction and keeping our hearts open to where we are led. Wherever we land we want to be a part of the community and form bonds with it.
Kevin is busy working between regular programming, football, and awards, but he loves it and wouldn’t change a thing. We were in a car accident on June 22nd; after four months, we finally got our car back last Friday. Now I know more than I want to about total loss and coverage. One thing for sure make sure you have enough coverage and uninsured motorist. We were lucky the person that hit us was insured, but that is not always the case.
Someone said to me recently “oh, you’re still doing fertility treatment?” when I mentioned something about it. Uh YES! Just because I don’t talk endlessly about our struggle with infertility doesn’t mean we’re giving up. We had planned to do a frozen embryo transfer-FET this past September, but we decided to push it back since we were still dealing with the car accident and injuries from it. In the meantime, I’m following the doctor’s recommendations of eating healthy and exercising.

The Kid:
My stepson is in junior high and he is loving school. I don’t think I have ever met a kid who loves school and learns as much as he does. He loves the more challenging classes and all the new friends he’s met. We gave him a cell phone at the start of the school year. I know everyone has opinions on this, but every parent has to do what they feel is suitable for their child. We thought it was time. We put the strictest parental controls on the phone, and it’s subject to random checks plus, we must OK everything downloaded. We are impressed that he uses the phone wisely but we also know he is still a kid and will make mistakes. This weekend the kid is at astro camp, and I’m jealous. I can’t wait to hear all about it.
What I’ve been mediating on: Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. Portion from Isaiah 43:19-21 MSG

What I’m thankful for-Grace
What podcasts I’m listing to:
Bitch Sesh because who doesn’t love all things Bravo?
Armchair Expert Dax Shepard is hilarious and he has the best guests.
Dr. Death because true crime stories are my jam
What I’m reading: Grit The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

Run Girl Run 

In 5 days, my training for Run She Is Beautiful starts. I haven’t run consistently in about six years (I’m not counting the here and there runs), I haven’t always gone to the gym in 2 years, and I’m 130 pounds overweight. This is the heaviest I’ve ever been, and I’m not happy about it. A combination of laziness, fertility drugs, injuries, surgeries, and eating well has got me where I am, and enough is enough. I want to be the healthiest I can be before our upcoming wedding and FET! Yes, we are F I N A L L Y getting married!

You can follow my journey back to healthiest me here and on Instagram.

XOXO

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Tom Petty was right; waiting is the hardest part!

I thought CD1* was starting on Saturday, which meant we could start our fertility meds, but it was a false alarm. It seems the hysteroscopy I had is throwing my cycle off…sigh. This week is reminding me to slow down, give grace, be patient, trust in The Lord (and doctors), and be still all things I struggle with.
This morning at Trader Joe’s, I was reminded that people need grace just like I need grace. Kevin and I discussed things we’ll need in the coming weeks and the lady ringing us up asked if we were trying for a baby. I quickly said with a smile YES! The lady replied, “I’ll give you my 15-year-old for a while, and you won’t want one.” I said, “awe, no thanks. I have a step-son, and I raised my brother, so we know how kids are; we were once one not that long ago *wink smile*. I could have quickly snapped back a snarky remark, but the lady doesn’t know what I’m going through, so instead, I gave her grace.
We got word that we are officially in a fertility drug study! The study pays for most of the IVF cost (yay!!); our portion is only $3,500! YAY again!!! We first heard of the study at the seminar we attended at our clinic with our doctor but didn’t inquire until two months ago. I’m so happy I decided to consider it not just because we’re saving money. Still, my hope is the research will help a fellow TTC** Sisters in the future. There are clinics in several states participating in this study and other studies; if you’re interested, the one in the one I’m doing, here’s a link: The Ivy Study. Now back to waiting on Aunt Flo to arrive!

XOXO,
Jenn

*CD 1 means cycle day 1 the first full day of a menstral cycle
** TTC means trying to conceive

Maya Massage

This past Wednesday, I had a polypectomy; after the surgery, my doctor came into recovery and enthusiastically told me, “everything looks good, and everything is exactly where it should be!” She also said there were no signs of endometriosis, scar tissue, or adhesions.

After the surgery, I made an appointment for a Maya Massage. I know some women benefit from the massage for me I don’t think it was worth it. Looking back, I wish I had asked for a consultation and had the therapist check to see if I needed a massage or not. Before the massage, the therapist told me that she would check if the uterus is tilted, prolapsed, or out of place. After the massage, I asked what she thought she said, “your uterus didn’t seem out of place, tilted or prolapsed,” basically everything the doctors had told me. I did ask if she thought I needed to come back, she said not unless I wanted to.

Ladies, prior to having anything done, make sure you need it; if there’s absolutely no reason to do something, don’t do it; don’t waste your money. If you have the Maya Massage, make sure you have it at the right time of the month; if the therapist says you can have it anytime, then look elsewhere. As always, consult your doctor before trying anything new.

XOXO,
Jenn

Our Pain is Different

Last night I came across a crowdsourcing page for a couple asking for donations to help conceive their third child through IVF. The couple said they are just like couples that are unable to create their first child. I was taken aback when I read that. This morning it got me thinking: Is there a difference between couples who are struggling to conceive their first child and those working to create their second, third, or even fourth child? Yes, there is.

We’ve yet to experience all the same aches, pains, and joys you have. We haven’t had the pleasure of a doctor confirming what 20 pregnancy tests told us. We haven’t had the pleasure of our first ultrasound, first kick, peeing like a racehorse, indigestion, food cravings, or food aversions. We haven’t experienced morning sickness, feet swelling, weight gain, and at that moment, we no longer fit into our favorite pair of jeans. We haven’t registered for baby gifts or been given a party celebrating us becoming mothers and fathers. We haven’t seen the joy in our husband’s face when we tell him, “WE’RE PREGNANT!”


If you are having trouble conceiving another child, I’m genuinely sorry, and you are in my prayers, really you are, but please don’t tell me your pain is the same as mine because it’s not. And if you still think your pain is the same as mine, hug your child or children you have in your home and remember I can’t do that.

XOXO,
Jennifer

 

 

 

What Do You Put Your Hope In

After being diagnosed with infertility, I took to Google and searched for every product claiming to aid, help, fix, or cure us. I would send Kevin pictures and say, “we need this” Kevin’s reply was always the same “whatever you think we need.” I was so desperate I would have tried anything, and everything; my desperation and longing for a baby were overshadowing my faith and hope.

One day Kevin asked me what I put my hope in? Is it Google or God? Is it a product making a claim, or is God? I quickly answered God, of course! I heard that question played over and over again in my mind for the next few weeks. One day, I sent Kevin a message while he was at work. I said, “my hope and faith is in God, not Google. I’m going to give everything over to God and no longer worry about my infertility.” That was the day that everything changed for me.

My hope and faith are not found in a bottle of supplements, a book claiming to cure me, a meditation claiming to give me a double line, a bracelet that has healing powers, a life coach or fitness coach that claims they can turn my life around and get me pregnant with a snap of a finger. I’m not saying I’m right or wrong; I’m saying these things are just not the end all be all for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t take supplements; I do or meditate because I do. We should do what makes us feel good. What makes me feel good is to go on living and not let my infertility control my life.

XOXO,
Jenn

P.S. We never bought any of those products.

Novemeber 13, 2014

 

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Last Friday, Kevin and I met with our Fertility Specialist, but first, let me tell you how we came to know him. After my gynecologist confirmed we would need reproductive assistance, I started Googling clinics in our area; if anyone has ever tried to look for a doctor of any kind, it can be overwhelming! We let it go and kept praying about it.
Kevin and I met with a doctor who was suggested to us, but we didn’t feel 100% ok with her. We decided to keep looking, but really, we stopped looking and kept praying. A few months later, I started following a fellow TTC Sister (TTC stands for Trying To Conceive) on Instagram. She recommended a clinic I had looked at several months earlier. I made an appointment to attend one of their seminars. The seminar was informative. I finally had a better understanding of our form of infertility.


We met last Friday with Dr. Tourgeman; he was the fertility doctor that conducted our seminar; the appointment couldn’t have gone any better. Dr. T confirmed what we already knew my labs were good, but I have fibroids, polyps, and a bad fallopian tube that all should be removed before we proceed. He did an ultrasound and said, “look at those beautiful ovaries with all those follicles in the” I cried a happy cry. We had finally got good news after feeling so hopeless for so long. Before we left, our next steps were laid out. I couldn’t believe this is happening as we walked out; I said, “this was too easy.”


Today we officially begin our journey to IVF and a baby of our own now; it’s about counting days, taking meds, labs, ultrasounds, surgery, so on and so on. This is the day I have prayed for. I have no fear or worry my heart is wholly settled. I know God is with us, guiding us. I’m thankful for all the people who God has placed in my life, especially @stillwaiting4baby. Please pray for Kevin and me and all the other couples dealing with infertility.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Always Listen to Your Intuition

When Kevin and I decided to try to conceive almost a year ago, I just knew we would end up seeing a fertility specialist. I had this feeling in my gut and intuition that wouldn’t go away. Four months later, I was sitting in my doctor’s office explaining my situation when she sarcastically said,” why did you wait so long to try to have a baby? Followed by “do you have thousands and thousands of dollars for fertility treatment? You’ll probably have to use donor eggs; do you want that?” She ended by saying, “why don’t you get healthy? If you get pregnant, you get pregnant if you don’t.” I was reeling. I asked if she would refer me to an OB/GYN she said, “there is nothing a gynecologist can do for you.” I ran out of her office crying.

“Intuition will tell the thinking man where to look next.” Dr. Jonas Salk

I drove to Target never got off; instead, I cried. I cried so much I cried myself to sleep. I woke up looking at the time and realized my spin class was starting soon, and I thought, what better way to clear my head than a good ride. After class, we talked; I was telling them about my doctor visit when one of the ladies told me her daughter was going through IVF. She told me, “I know exactly what you are going through.” The ladies gathered around me. I asked, “why won’t God answer my prayers?” One lady sarcastically said, “maybe He has” I remember looking at her and thinking maybe He has? What are you talking about? I told her I wasn’t praying to have infertility.
“Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” ”
Isaiah 30:21 NIV

All that week, I prayed for God’s discernment that Friday I kept hearing, “call the insurance company, call the insurance company over and over again.” My doctor’s office warned me that my insurance would not cover anything related to infertility, so I was a bit apprehensive about calling.

I worked up enough courage and made the call. I explained to the man who answered everything that happened. He put me on hold, came back, and said, “ok, I have a plan for you” he figured out a way to get me into an OB/GYN without going through my doctor for a referral. He recommended a doctor to me. I hung up, called, and got in right away.

After going over everything with the gynecologist, she looked at me. She said, “you are not too old, and why don’t we start at the beginning testing you for everything before you see an infertility doctor.” She called out all these acronyms and started filling out the paperwork for tests. I left the office full of hope. I just knew this is where I was supposed to be.

Since the beginning, we have prayed and asked for God to lead us, and He has. Some of us have, including me, following where He leads and trusting Him completely. This is a testimony to praying without ceasing and letting God take care of everything, not just some things.

XOXO